Over a decade ago I met Dave Chalk. Before meeting him I was repeatedly told two things about him, the first being that he was winningly hilarious and the second being that he had cancer. Dave was indeed funny, and to this day I laugh at his family's frequently told anecdote about his being lost at 5 years old and then found singing "Play that funky music white boy" while dancing a top a table!
Dave and I knew each other mainly through our older sisters being dear friends, in many ways he was not more than an acquaintance. However, Dave's example was often the very thing I would draw strength from when I grew afraid. Dave knew fear. Dave knew fear in ways that most of us will never experience a mere fraction of. Despite enduring almost 12 years of uncertainty and perpetual suspense, he remained fearless. I wrote this letter to Dave over two years ago during the week of the Boston Marathon bombing. It was a time when I was particularly afraid and I continued to remember a principle he had taught me many years prior. Dave contributed invaluable certainty to my faith and I am eternally grateful and indebted to him for the profound witness he was to me at a crucial juncture in my life.
Here is what I wrote:
Dear Dave,
First allow me to apologize, this message is perhaps many years overdue. I fell asleep last night thinking I needed to write it and woke up again this morning with the same inclination. I have always admired you. I have always marveled at your perseverance and optimism. I think about you every time I go in for a scan and must anticipate results. I think about what it must be like to be asked to live though hearing "that" diagnosis on more than one occasion. I think about the endurance of always living in suspense...I shrink at the thought. I know for me it isn't helpful to be told "I don't know how you do it" or "I couldn't do it," so even though both things are true that isn't what I want to say. What I want to say is that whenever I am faced with my moments of suspense, my mind turns to you and your experience. I wonder who you are, were and will be. I wonder who you must be to be entrusted and burdened by such an experience. I have been profoundly grateful over the years for my association with Melissa and one of the reasons I am is for the passing moments I have had in your presence. There is a profound witness in your presence and at times it has solidified my faith and influenced my life in ways I don't even know how to give words. There is something unique about you and I would argue it has little to do with your cancer. I have met my share of cancer patients and survivors, I have felt the impact of cancer on my own life, growth and perspective. I know that once cancer enters anyone's life it shapes their narrative, and whether they want it to or not, it becomes one of their main identifiers. Though your story has inspired me greatly, it is not your diagnosis, or even perseverance or survival that has made your mark on my life.
This past week in Boston has been very discouraging and terrifying. I don't remember a time when I felt more afraid. It has been hard to process the trauma in the Harvard space. There are theories and discourses, artworks and vigils, panels and psychiatric services, yet nothing feels as though it really addresses it. I have been overwhelmed to say the least. My faith has been pushed this year in ways I had not before encountered, especially this past week. However somewhere in the swirl of my fears and anxieties, an experience keeps returning to my mind. I was reminded of when you and your companion came over for dinner toward the beginning of your mission. After dinner you asked to share a thought and recited The First Vision. To this day I can hear your voice and every inflection. I can remember exactly where I was sitting. I cry every time I am reminded of this experience. The witness you bore is among the most sacred experiences of my life. It was one of two occasions in my young life where I felt I truly received a witness of that event. Reflecting upon that moment has brought me back to my core and faith in more of my midnight moments than I could ever count. Had you not borne witness to me on that profoundly miraculous day, I would not have made it! I would not have made it through this past week if I had not been blessed to remember the experience. Thank you! Your testimony has influenced mine for a lifetime. I will always be grateful to you. May heavens blessings be with you, and may you receive answers to your prayers for being an answer to mine and many.
Much Appreciation,
Lindsay
No comments:
Post a Comment